I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
