You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Bring me that man meat
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