I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
my liver is dry heaving
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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