Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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