I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
She told me I should be a condom model.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize