i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
