it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
