Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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