apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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