hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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