Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize