Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
