I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize