How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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