So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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