worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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