plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
