So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I didn't notice because vodka
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
