Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
