R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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