i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
