my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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