Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
