It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize