you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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