this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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