Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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