my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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