I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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