He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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