I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
