6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
