She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
