Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
