Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
