I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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