I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Green mimosas i think yes
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
