she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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