I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
