people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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