I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
