When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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