sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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