sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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