Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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