I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
