She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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