I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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