Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
