She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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