I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize