So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Every concussion has its silver lining
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
