What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize