I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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