Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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