I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
